This post has been a long time coming, I have often started writing and stopped. It comes quite easy for me to talk about my struggles with perinatal mental health but when it comes to the subject of miscarriage I become uneasy.

On December 4th 2013 I had a miscarriage, I was around  12 weeks pregnant when it happened. I had only just recovered (as best I could) from postpartum psychosis and the pregnancy itself was unplanned and a big shock…but I accepted it and felt positive.

The day the midwife gave me the sad news that the pregnancy had come to an end hit me like a brick wall. I uncontrollably started to breakdown, I felt low, high, angry and sad. What did I do for this to happen, did I over exercise, was it my medication for bipolar, was it a mix of the both!

I felt myself slip to depression rapidly and I spent the next few days at home in bed not responding to people, not eating, dressing or even washing. I just felt this huge guilt, the pregnancy was unplanned so I had been taking medication unaware of the damage it may have caused. I decided I was not going to take my medication…I wanted another baby and I wanted it now…nothing was going to take this pain I felt away any better than replacing the one I had lost…Or so I thought…

On December 30th 2013 I took a pregnancy test…The symptoms when pregnant hadn’t gone, I felt sick and everyone around me thought  I couldn’t accept that the miscarriage had happened. The test result was positive, I was indeed pregnant with my rainbow baby.

Thought I would start to feel better now that I was pregnant  but sadly that was not the case. The depression slowly started to improve but I found I did not want to think about the pregnancy. I hid it away from family and even though I was very sick with this pregnancy we managed to keep it quite until I was around 14 weeks gone.

Once out in the open family and friends were congratulating us and talking about the new baby that was on its way… everyone was happy.

I on the other hand was worried, not only was I scared about losing another baby I was worried for my mental health. I thought about the postpartum psychosis I had just recovered from and the months of treatment I had endured. I was only just feeling good again, I was only just bonding with my first child. Was this a mistake?

As the months went on I ignored my fast growing bump, concentrated on my first-born and gave him as much love and affection I could ever give. I didn’t want to connect with the bump, had done that first time round and look what happened there. I was not going to accept the bump was a baby until he/she was born.

It was bumps due day, felt good that we had gone the whole way without any major problems. I went into labour that day and whilst in labour bumps heart rate was worrying the midwife. That was the moment I realised just how much I had subconsciously connected with bump. I was so worried, my main focus was delivering a healthy baby who I was going to shower with love.

The moment I set eyes on my blue-eyed boy my heart melted…had never felt as much love as I did right then. Was this how it felt for other mothers who had given birth? I had been robbed of this feeling the first time round due to postpartum psychosis and  belive this  feeling could have triggered the  postnatal anxiety I was going to suffer. I felt anxious and guilty for not feeling this way first time round.I have previously wrote about my struggles with postnatal anxiety it can be found here

It is not only me who has experianced this sad situation, women worldwide are facing this everyday. More needs to be done, more awarnessnes and more support.


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2 thoughts on “Miscarriage, My Rainbow Baby & Mental Health

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